Porno for Peace

She was shaking, her thighs were tired of holding her up.

She was sweating, her back burned even in the cold and her shoulders dropped down slowly to let the salt slide down her spine.

She was dehydrated, she tried to gather her spit but it was white and hard and hit walls against her teeth.

The uppers made her wanna be around people and talk about things, music mostly or food. She could say how much she loved pizza a million times and never get bored.

But

The downers made her wanna hide and not admit she was a human, carrying a human, sucking on a human. How inhumane she thought. She was more like a commodity anyways, she thought. Like a tiny foam dinosaur someone put water on to make it grow its shape. Her make-up, her clothes, her hair, photo-shopped, cropped, edited, dipped in shine and lube and cast into the window of the internet. Full of form, encapsulated.

She untied her shoes and somewhere out there a million people watched her bend over. 

She pushed her hair behind her ear and somewhere out there two million people watched her take herself to orgasm.

She stared shyly at her phone while just a website away a thousand comments vied graphically for her attention.

Right now she looked like the bad part of town but inside their dream she was the shine of all the city lights. She lit up entire corners of the internet, she was the soft glow of a million computer screens tucked away in the dark corners of rooms everywhere for the world to see. 

She watched commerce ebb and flow with the heave and sigh of her breasts. 

The boy's eyes on the other end of the room made her light up, she watched him as she slid up and down. He half hid his face behind the microphone but she could see him thru the lights, watching. She wanted to be him, watching her. She wanted to feel him, not the way she usually felt boys but the way he felt himself, with his hands thru his own jeans. She imagined she was him and closed her eyes. She told herself it was his microphone stand inside of her, picking up the sound of her heart beating against a life of weight and wind. When she went to open her lashes she could feel a comet crashing down on her, a volcano crushing her, a million ways to die living on her skin.

The boy turned off the lights, packed up the microphones, the crew filtered out of the room and into black minivans and red mustangs. 

Now she was old again, a cold, empty dinosaur lying deflated on a leather cushion and they were a tribe of conquering warlords with no decency to consume what they had killed.

And

The world watched her dying a hundred billion times and never said a word. She was their secret pleasure to consume.

When they ate her they tore less at the flesh of each other. 

Their pleasure made her smile and after each little death she slept so good knowing she was making porno for peace. She just wished someone had stayed to talk about pizza, she had lost her appetite but wanted to hear the words.

She hummed the word pepperoni over and over again to herself until it had lost its meaning.

She was zen. 

photo I took of a penthouse pet

photo I took of a porn location

Snippets

Tiny pieces of new songs and ideas mixed with video from my phone or old videos. Recycle till we create. Still haven't found the sound I want for the new record but I'm getting close.

What The Undone Will Do

       There's a letter on your desk you've never opened, money in a drawer you've refused to count, an unheard voicemail on your phone you wont listen to and a hundred stories in your head you'd rather wash away than write down. You've been thru more then you can forget so you begin to drink or you were drunk the whole time you can't remember. You're not living you're re-living. You became quiet, you broke, you went away to find a different way back and forgot that you were gone and now you're here....

       
        Reading a 60 year old woman's poetry about her lovers, staring at the tentacles of friends, obsessing over the words on a fat mans T-shirt, holding the light against a starlets burnt out thighs. 

     You realize that by leaving things undone you were only constantly doing them, all this science is simple, you know the magic works, has never failed you and yet you won't practice it. You tell yourself everything you've ever done has ended up hurting someone so just sit still, don't move or speak, or write, or make any more monsters. Don't sing to them or they'll come back to you. Don't write songs about them or they'll never be able to be far away again....and....

        In your stillness you end up in their dreams, their thoughts, they grind you up in coffee and hunt you down with their forks in pieces of pork, they spit your name into the mouths of their lovers like you were a curse word, bite you off in their fingernails. 

         Why won't you fucking move they say and do what you have kept undone. Wash over us so we can wash you away....but 

        You only know how to move like a guillotine,  now though you've learned. You can make a drinking container out of a cut off arm, a canvas from the skin and a quill from the bone because....

         If you're gonna be a selfish, destructive, unpredictable prick, you might as well make some good art to keep you company....and

         With this thought, you begin to move again and nobody has anything good to say about what they wanted now. 

         Peace and love. 

                                            - Rafael V. 

      

      

The Spade Tapes

     I don't remember quite how it began, I know I was in Peru recording and listening to a-lot of Pusha at the time I wrote the song  "spit shine." I remember thinking that I needed a term for all the women in my music who had been influential over my life, that I couldn't call them by their full names, and that I couldn't lump them all up to be my x-girlfriend, neither one of those things seemed fair to the people who deserved so much fairness and respect, so much I had to give in song what I had failed to give in action.  They needed to be a collective symbol for something that made the whole world possible and heartbreaking to live in at the same time. To contain the idea of our story in eleven tracks I needed to simplify it. I wanted the Spade-Tapes to be about love over time, to be a broad story about the last few loves and hard times in my life told in the very specific situational narrative of defining moments we had shared. I decided on the image of the spade. I can come up with a hundred reasons now why that seemed like the perfect image to use, but then I think it just seemed obvious for no reason at all.
       It wasn't until 5 months later that I ended up in Austin. I went to try to make some money working the SXSW music festival and I guess I just didn't have anything better to do after so I stayed. At least that's how it seems, or maybe I thought I was being noble for being somewhere that made me feel so lonely. Either way, a small campaign to drink myself to never-land was embarked upon with no uncertain ferocity, and as it usually does it lead me down into some interesting territory where people and reasons to live resided, and we became intertwined in ways that I think we can never undue.
        I met Ben Bazzrea who produced "the Spade Tapes" off the internet, I literally had an alert set to "Austin Hip-Hop" so that if anybody was saying or doing shit I would know about it, kinda dorky, but fuck it, it worked. I met Maya in Texas that same day me and Ben shared our first files, and 2 weeks later we were at her dads house in Mexico where I wrote most of "darkness" and "rainz" and "roll." some of it about her, some of it not. My favorite line of the whole record is with a conversation of ours in mind after I split town to visit Portland for the 4th of July and just never came back,

"I know they're coming for you and you'll come back someday. I hope you beat em good, call if you pass LA. I could meet you there and I could bring your things, you're gonna need your knife and baby you're gonna need your wings."

       At around that same time me and Chris Kennedy (future sunz)  a producer I had met from LA had been sending back and forth files with Luck-One on 2 tracks, and I wanted him to hear what me and Ben were working on, I think he immediately saw the potential but also that it needed some more work.   I feel like everything changed when Ben started bringing Rebecca Tafline into the studio to sing on some tracks, the album no longer just had a symbol for what I was rapping about it had a beautiful strong female voice to go with it. I immediately wanted her on every track and she came thru for me in the most amazing fashion.
       After me and Maya got back from Mexico something else changed in me and I couldn't bare to be in Austin even though I had finally found somebody that I could share some life with. When I got back to Portland I started going back to work on the record and over the next couple months I thought I finished writing it, most of it battling death on Chads couch where I was staying at the time or in the stairwell of the alley next door.
       I went in to record it where I had recorded "The Orgasm Of A Ghost" and "Bury Me Standing" but the process was dull and frustrating and difficult to stomach, so many hard times and emotional stories put into a room that seemed to have no energy, I felt like I had outgrown Mark as an engineer. I didnt need a wizard I needed a believer. I sent it to Chris and he told me he would redo the whole thing and against everything impatient about my soul I said OK. A few months later I found myself out in LA where we spent two weeks reworking it and finishing  it, staring out from his rooftop in Downtown LA I couldn't have felt more satisfied with where I was or how surreal life felt, Chris had saved me from myself. Ben had put together the drawing board, and me and Rebecca had sung our hearts out. What more could I want, I didn't know yet.
      I don't really know why I felt the need to write this, I just did. I brought my laptop and some whiskey to a dark corner of Club 21 just to do it, just to finish this chapter and move on. I hope maybe you get some sense of the time that I have been thru to create this last record,  that maybe you can see that the overdoses, gunshots, suicides, and plane crashes are real, that the kidnappings were more than metaphorical. That this isn't just my music, that this is our story.
      So salude, here is to those memories on The Spade Tapes, and making new ones without the worry of recording over them, they have been set. Rest lovely.
       I really feel like the "roll" and "lonely planets" videos incapsulate some of those feelings I was going thru very well, while I think the video for "rainz" will get misinterpreted, it wasn't supposed to be about being a ladies man and I am not trying to come off like a dick or make people uncomfortable. It was supposed to be about when you have something overwhelm you and put in your face suffocating you and taking all your attention when all you want is something more meaningful that's right behind it, but you've become too weak to grasp it, not so weak though that you cant be responsible for giving into your weaknesses.
       Anyways, none of this would have been possible without Ben, Chris, and Rebecca or the love, presence, and absence of Maya,  Erin, and Amanda.

LISTEN HERE-
THE SPADE TAPES (download/listen)

Roll Video

Lonely Planets Video Link-
Lonely Planets Video 

Rainz Video Link-
Rainz Video

Proverbial bullshit

A man can learn a lot, in the pond staring down the drain as the water pours from above. After he has learned much from this he can begin to learn by looking up at where the water comes from and only after he has learned much by this, he looks at the space between. Where the water hits he inspects the flesh as though it were a flower. Upon reflection he finds himself in nature, upon action he finds himself to be a force of nature. He then becomes so strong that he may change the course of nature. This is not evil, the will can never be more then it is possible to overcome. By all that he does man sets the course for him to be greater then his greatest transgression, but he must do this with his own bullshit smeared all over his face. He must know that he creates what he finds and then becomes so frightened by his ability that he insists that it created him. Man no longer wants to be a man, let that man go and you may find freedom. Man.

-Rafael V.

Crashing Always

Every morning for 13 days I have known, I see it coming, I see the last time I saw it coming, I see the last time I saw it happen to someone else. I make choices with this sight in mind, I don't let a girl ride on the back, I scramble clumsily for a better helmet, I attempt to extend my vision. My actions yesterday in demise of all my foresight only changed slightly, slight is all that a chance has ever needed to shift into a reality. As I approached the green light, for some reason I let off the gas a little, my motorcycle seemed to be floating weightless then on a small silent cloud, and in that moment I have to wonder if it was to give him time to hit me.

       He told me afterwards that his brakes had gone completely out. I seemed to ride the pores of his cheeks and the hazy red of his whites as he smashed me with his front bumper down Madison Ave. In those moments I had time to think, my thoughts stretched out before me like a roadmap of questions, only my fate seemed certain. I would be ok, perfectly fine, but once again I was messing with the fabric of the universe clumsily. Knowing only that it would be dangerous, the only element I craved in my adventure. The only prerequisite for an adventure at all. 

         How can one tell the difference between a precognitive thought and a thought that for some reason has become so strong it subconsciously effects ones behavior as to manifest itself in reality?

I don't know the difference between my intuition, premonitions, or subconscious behavior anymore. I cant quite tell what it is I am trying to tell myself. I appear only to be on the brink of coming over a cliff to discover I am far away, and even then each step further is only another step closer to the only truth that is big enough to hide. The truth that is so big we cannot see it as a whole, we see its molecules and assume they are planets, we see its thoughts and assume they are clouds, we see ourselves and assume that we are humans. Never willing to look we must always interpret the world this way. There is no such thing as a motorcycle accident. For me to think I was in one is a falsification of all the evidence my spirit knows to be otherwise, and that my dear makes me a bad detective. 

            I can see the expressions on my friends faces in the near future, each one different and particular to them, I see it every night. I must now go back and do my homework, so that I do not just crash down the side of the road with my thoughts laid out before me like questions when the event takes place. I wish we had just a few more answers, fortunately we are blessed that there are clues everywhere. 

           I realize now that I crash always, that I always crash in all my interactions. Sometimes I might be like a wave and sometimes like a wreck, sometimes like a wind that whips and sometimes like the way a snail may run into a mud puddle. Maybe this is the nature of my person so far. Thank you for still letting me crash into you my love, how ever sparse, how ever often.

Rafael V. 

       

The Fear

Sitting under the cold lamplight I can hear it whispering, a droning building howl, and though I know I will never understand the words, I will always know what they mean. They are a curse. The fear wraps around us, engulfing us with wind and flames, a storm we can feel long before we can see it. A headache running thru every bone, mauling as it moves. Barking at us rabid, letting us know that someday when we are almost happy it will tear apart everything that we love and make us watch. A black fog rolling over us, capturing all we hold dear, with a monstrous crackling momentum, spitting and groping. We cannot outrun it, for if we go any faster we will collapse, our hearts exploding in a small dull thud, our life trickling out into the cold, the vastness. We cannot stop, for it will strangle us, choking and crushing, with every breath we will breathe in its poisonous hand, fingers in thru the nose and knuckles out thru the mouth. We can only move towards it, with it, no matter the pace or direction. The fear loathes us and we deserve it. We know we have done wrong and that we can never go back. The fear baits us, laying traps in all we desire. The fear knows us, using us against ourselves. The fear is coming, almost here now, I can hear it whispering beneath the cold cold lamplight. The haunting is here. The fear has come again, each time getting closer to what it wants, each time leaving less of us behind. Taking with it our hearts and hard work, leaving only stranded flesh and eyes to see the pieces. Never not present. We can go no further without it, we can live no longer with it. We have become it. Becoming it, we begin to give it. A tired venomous gift. A cancer. I am you fear. We are finally, eternally together. Always. 

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Tea Time

I’m left to open up another blank document. I’ve scribbled starts to three-hundred stories, a hundred songs, outlines for a million inventions, maps for the thousand different directions I’m trying to take my life. Written on my legs in the holes of my jeans are notes to remind myself that I am hip-hop. Single words scratched onto napkins with the shitty pens of waitresses rub like gravel in the bottom of my pockets. Words catering to things the eyes have seen but know they will soon forget are tattooed in obscure places on my arms, between all the fluff and imagery.  Even here we can find names of the friends I’ve known. As if I could forget, and yet still I can’t remember, anything.

Not even to be still. 

Who were these three cowboys, us three? High on mushrooms from the airport and soft-white from the cell phone waiting lot, now at the strip-club peaking under the light blueberry lap-dance of another failed pharaoh. Making it rain lottery tickets, keeping the wind north. Who was this man with his head down working 16-hour days for SXSW, getting drunk off Antartica dreams and whiskey neats while scolding international rap acts for smoking to many cigarettes. Where did all the money go. I can ride this tandem bicycle all by myself, from the backseat. Preference settings, set to go. Reality is I’m slowing down.

Glassblowing, flame working, staring into the eyes of dogs.

Bartending, waiting, writing to live but not survive.

Texas, maintaining, lone star, record outlines.

Porch life, sunshine, swimming.

BBQ from picnic table to picnic table like high-fives.

At The Drive In, love life, dabs, surprises.

Shirt off, bus stops, uncle.

New house, bike, poker tables, mine.

Court house, piss, Mercury  52'

Boat money, tattoos, that Huck Finn boat money tattoo.

You. 

Have Penitentiary Will Travel

After I got rid of everything I owned, I sent a single small box home to my mother. Inside of it was everything I thought important enough to keep and in a way remember. Love letters from Chuck Palahniuk and women who had grown to know me. Photos of us kissing, strife, my life working in the motorcycle industry, the three years I spent on Warped Tour. Manuscripts I had written, original catalogues from my clothing company, masters of the four albums I released, notes, lyrics, and more notes. A sheriff’s badge, a Freemason belt buckle, my missing teeth, and a birth certificate I assumed to be mine.

In this box there was some room and I put more things from my trip thru the world. Sunglasses from a wedding in LasVegas, a bracelet from a girl I almost married in Peru. A small can of salted nuts from a childhood friends reception in Tucson. A slingshot engraved with a detailed account of my psychedelic trip on ayahuasca in the Amazon. I put the socks I was wearing when I almost died trying to cross the Antarctic and last I laid a photo of Ben and I at the top of the high Andes. I wished my brother well and did the holy trinity the way I had learned it in Colombia but perfected its kiss in Portland.

What I had originally gone in the box for I did not find. I was looking for a mailing address so I could send a letter I had already written. 1 of 5 letters actually. The address wasn’t a pretty one. I knew it read Nebraska State Penitentiary, marked with the inmate number of one of my oldest friends, who was doing a 40 year bid for things it wasn’t up to me to forgive him for. So I did not judge instead I sent him books before I left Portland on astral projection. I imagined that is what I might want if I were locked up in a cage fighting for scraps from the drain.

I battled with my letters trying to decide how much I should tell him in them. What would seem like boasting, what was boasting, what would let him live vicariously, and what was vital to the vicariousness. In the end I decided to tell him nothing I had said before to anyone. All the stories that had been kept just for me to know, to give him an account of all my secret strengths, to tell him the things that I had saved because they would only get watered down in the repeating of them. I knew he had no choice but to keep them safe, so I selfishly gushed.

As I dug for the address that I could not find, I found something else that I had forgotten. I found that I had accomplished much that I did not give myself credit for, that I had put in more work than I had remembered. That this small box was a time capsule of hundreds of memories, heartaches, and hard won triumphs. That beautiful women had loved me and beasts had become my kin. By the time I got to the bottom drawing only dust under my fingernails I knew that the mailing address was no longer important. It had never been in this box, it had always been with me. It was the part of me who was exactly the kind of man to pick up and head to Nebraska, deliver these last letters myself. Post office for a pair of legs, tears for gasoline stamps, hands balled in fists, envelopes. 

Chapter 19: Mouthful of rattle.

Here I am outside of San Carlos Mexico on the same beach where I first had sex 15 years ago. I don’t have to wonder how I could have ended up here. I know that it makes perfect sense. Everything is coming around, this cycle is rinsing out. The world knows I wont backtrack so it brings me around instead, when I was pacing that was never a necessity to make a circle. I changed things by never checking my shoulders. 

When I left Portland the first time it went like this:

Release EP, quit jobs, leave lady, bender, Jupiter Hotel, LA, Tucson, Silver City, Austin, Mexico, Colombia.

When I came and left this time:

Bender, Las Vegas, Jupiter Hotel, Mexico, get lady, Tucson, Silver City, get job, Austin, Record EP, ?.  

We are entering a moment of singularity and I happened to get in deep enough to be riding away on some of the same strides as history itself, even if it is just my own personal one. I have survived not crushed beneath. A gift, see, I’ve been lined up on the offside team waiting for the rules to change most my life, and now here we go. This whole thing is about to flip. I was just capsized on a kayak in the Ocean with no life jacket two days ago, and that’s no joke or turn of phrase, I wasn’t even on an adventure that day, or any days before today. I was just looking for something that I needed to be very far away, so I went to the ends of the earth to find it. I Came all the way over to the other side of where this first began, and now The Thick looks more like a thicket and I can start to shape this thing.

I have learned a few very important lessons in my travels, more than learned them though, I have learned how to employ them.

1. Timing is a skill that dumb people call luck. Hone it.

2. Do everything you can before the door closes and don’t go in a second before you have to.

3. Be so fucking bold that you are the only thing you are afraid of.

4. Plan, even if you never use it, Plot a way to all your ends.
5. Get the most result for every action.

So now I will crouch down here in Mexico for another week with my shears and make a monster out of these blueprints. The bottom line is this whole place is made out of the same fabric and you have to fuck with it, if you want it to fuck with you, and you do want it. There is no leaving it alone anymore anyway. We're in.

Room 233

I’m sitting in room 233 of the Jupiter Hotel; I didn’t mean to come to America, I am not sure how I ended up in Portland. I took a turn. I closed my eyes and asked for a direction. I opened them and I was forgiven. The map is not the territory. When I understand that I can see all things with more clarity. I traveled up the backside of the world thru Canada to get to Las Vegas. I left my brother by a waterfall in northern Argentina. I miss him. When people tell me that they love me, my natural response is to tell them that I am them. I believe that.

 30 hours on a plane and 4 days later I am here. My arms slept in the wedding bed of one of my best friends on his wedding night at the top of the Palms. My body is still making music on the streets of Buenos Aires.  My mind is consumed with thinking about someone. I don’t think I wanted to come here because I was afraid to see the people and things I loved. I was not sure if my reason for being here was a justified one. I was afraid that my heart might burst, gush out and flood the streets where I spent my best years. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have learned enough about myself to return in the good graces of my city. My fears are still with me but maybe they are more than fears…maybe they are feelings. I think that might change things. When I think they are feelings I become less afraid.

In the aftermath of an earthquake all things are fair. In the face of a walking disaster all the manuals give way to panic. Only experience survives. I have experienced so much but learned so little. Does that make me ok in the face of this earthquake where the manuals and information do not matter? Can I make the right choice then and only then? Never before.

I was in a cave in Peru on a psychoactive drug in the middle of a thunderstorm and a shaman told me that my soul was conceived on a distant planet in the mind of an animal that looks indescribable. Even if that is true I am still gonna head down to New Mexico and help the woman that conceived my body finish building her house. Someone teach me to be beautiful for the first time again. Somewhere there is a photograph of me that explains some things about me, if you find it remember them and tell me in a letter someday when I am old. 

Conversations From The Thick

     “What do you see when you look at the world Ben? Would you describe the color of the clouds as dangerous, do you think the ground looks haunted and wet, huh? Sometimes I don’t think we see the same thing, sometimes I think I am all alone out here, in a totally different place from you, from everyone. How can you look at me right now and not see the noose around my fucking neck? The rope just hanging there.”
     I pull a cigarette out from the front pocket of my pea-coat and accuse him with it. He lights it like a memory, like a reflex for all the times we’ve tumbled, won, and drowned. The rain doesn’t move it thickens, collects those beads that remind us of the hard work we’ve put in for out whole lives, all the sweat. We whisper urgently, caught between a growl and a groan. A howl that escapes and gets lost, like we are. Like things thrown in the sea.

     “I see a storm when I look outside Raf, I see the rope but I got the knife. I see a way out of this shit, if we get in this cab and make two right decisions we can win. We’re the hungriest we’ve ever been in our entire lives, right here, right now. There’s no way were not gonna eat tonight, you know what I mean brother? I can see you. I swear."
     We are the two big fish in this picture. I am the one with my back turned.

What Chapter

This city smells like someone’s been fucking inside a McDonalds wrapper, these streets are cleaned by goose-stepping garbage-men, kicking plastic in every direction. The architecture is faux colonial, the gates are glass and honey. The boy is home. Burn the tires, let a gypsy find solace in some smoke. Queen some coats, wolves with pomade  in their hair, sipping on moonshine, sipping on the memory of that last call, last kiss. Kill the lights, kill the coke. How did we write the future in song and then get surprised by the way it ended?

She drags him across the dance floor like a rag doll, he submits like a struck dog. He pushes her back with his weight propelling him, shoulders driving her into the ground. Burying her, eyes closed imagining trespass. Stomping each other with every step. Tango, tumultuous sad dance made from the pumping systematic loss of blood. From heartbreak and hard drugs. Who can dance it well that has not been fucked and fucked over? No one. No virgins here. If there were who would want them. El Capitol, El Captain. Buenos Aires. My man, dressed in black again and again. Do the laundry kid.

 With champagne in one hand, wine in the other, a mouth with a pain killer cut up under the lip, bus seat kicked to 90 degrees, we enter. Finally ready for vacation, finally ready to enjoy the destruction we’ve caused. 6 months later, its time to relax. First night in, I see Ally Stone in a bathroom against six men in the Falkland Island war revisited. I’m just here to do the dishes. This is a great man, above war so I don’t think he needs to get his hands soiled in this, he just puts em in the soil. Get me. We all need a witness. I’m just here to do the dishes. Repeat. Repeat this.

“Don’t rub me to close. Why you got names like a snake. I don’t know how long you’ve worked here but I’ve worked here longer. If I pulled my dick out it wouldn’t be more awkward, if you introduced me to a congressman I ‘d ask him for a light.”

Ally says this to no one in particular and everyone in general as we enter the pub. Exit the rules and progress. Here we come full circle. Fear, I’m back. Missed you too.

There’s a puma outside licking the air, rubbing ass against the tent. I get up to drink from the river where he drank and see if I can still taste him. There’s an arctic fox playing with his girlfriend I move closer to see if I can chase her, skirts are skirts, on and off paper. Milkshake makers.

Fin Del Mundo, we’ve made it thru the entire continent to the southern most tip of the earth. Glaciers as big as some countries, which ones, I wont google. The hardest trip of my life. The most rewarding time facing death, in a total white out storm with gale-force winds beating me into the ice, my frostbite giving way to hypothermia, a hike of 97 Kilometers, costing me my knees. Ben saved my life when all I could see was glacier and no hope. My brain began to systematically shut off function. All I could think was I don’t wanna die with my pants down, and though I could not see the Peruvian Army shorts I wore, could not feel the limbs I was told I owned, could not know my high-top Nikes from the ice. They said I was naked. My body shaking like pistols in her hand. Mind still stuck on that hand. Lost 700 at the casino that week, but not that hand.

He chiseled ice from me, put life back in me, asked nothing but a humorous line to know I was alive. Some debts are just lifestyles. Round we go, owing each other everything.

You wanna hear I miss you but don’t wanna hear I am coming for you. How should I show up? In shackles or riding motorcycles, with love or hate in my heart? Knowing I scare you makes me afraid.

           She didn’t wait for me, hadn’t spent billions of years shaking off glaciers like dog water in anticipation of me. She never thought of me while throwing temper tantrum gale-force winds, her avalanches were without reproach for my absence, her boulders were not tossed down the sides of her face demanding I be there, yes, I knew she cared little if I climbed her but still I imagined she wanted me, like a lover, I forgot my past fires swept beneath the hearth, I should have remembered that she might also move to kill me, with direct orders. Its good to see you again. Campanero. Another mountain climbed just to see where we stand.

Interlude: Few Were We

Few were we, the wanderers, the lone, seekers of obscure fist-fights. Nomads who navigated entire continents disregarding all the maps that came before, knowing those could only lead down the path of another mans heart. Gypsy lovers of the broken branch, archers with our arrows drawn lit to guide the way. Desiring only to see with fresh eyes, intuitions filthy with experience, hides ruff, paws damp beneath the calluses, drunk on moonshine, teeth full with gristle. Few were we, who had gone to the ends of the earth only to tumble suspiciously down the deep ravines and hungry precipices. Our falling bodies clearing dust, thorn, and path, where even fewer still would leap willingly, with purpose. Not as guides but as battle hymns, singsong odes to great men, the campfire ghosts we honor. Few were we, so few not a single one of us could escape the sheet of loneliness that draped our wind-worn shoulders and raw eroded faces. That same sheet that kept our legs tangled in half slumber thru cold winter beatings. So few were we, a single glance from a stranger need not discern our sadness, we wore it with unmistakable identity like thieves of wine. We carried with us always the look of the hunted even while we tracked the great beast. We sang only the songs of the damned, the blues, the wild open storm we called home, lover, and adversary. We loved true, having one condition, that we would always leave, always return someday hiding strange gifts as better men.  Pulling foreign coin from behind the ears of our children. Grown in the eyes of the land, forged under the weight of her beauty. We died at dawn, stabbed thru the heart with elk antlers, thru the lungs with spades, thru the livers with thick oak barrel spinters, wearing only the names of our brothers. Need not bury us with our treasure; once the ashes scatter we are traveling her round legs once more. Let the funeral pyres burn and the great sea captains return to guide the tides again. Let the earth shake and rattle and kick the Rock'n'Roll back into the boots. The course is set for war, smile for it. Rush to it, leave your belongings behind. One kiss from her is worth more than all your life, absolves you of all you consider your debt. You need only to climb something very high, voyage steps to the edge with eyes closed and take a deep breath to see it. Hunker down low on your haunches between blades of desert grass and run to taste it. Lean and bury your face in the vineyard grapes, source of vagrant elation, to smell it. But you must leave, to be with it. It travels far and swings wide. So tell me goodbye, dear girl, dear campanero, like I tell you.  

-R. Vigilantics

            

Chapter 18: From Condors to Doctors

            I reached into my pockets to find them holding little less than enough for another glass of whiskey if the bartender favored me, I told him the best story I had on me and put the rest of what I had in front of me. A few soles short. He threw a little shine on me as the closing lights went up and my glass filled amber brown and sticky one more time. It was 5 in the morning and I was tired, the rest of my cash along with my backpack was locked away in a dingy room on the other side of the city. Everyone I knew was a day in front of me. I decided to stay on in Cusco another night alone and wait for Halloween to die down.

            I posted up outside the hostel across the street and threw rocks until the guard got distracted, then I slipped by him and grabbed the first empty bed I could find.

            I woke to find myself in the women’s dorm and girls in towels surrounded me with a playful curiosity. One of them immediately remembered me from Colombia and they all welcomed me to breakfast, told me I smelt like booze and offered to dress me up for Halloween. I declined the wardrobe but took em up on the eggs and marijuana. Despite my small protests the night ended well with my face painted like a lion, it felt good to participate again. It’s been years since I’ve dressed up. I stayed out till my bus left at 7AM. Forgetting to wash off the make-up, or not caring, I can’t remember which. I entered my 10-hour ride full of mariachi music and the same damn Adam Sandler movie. I probably look like I make more sense down here this way. A more tangible circus act covered in tattoos with a lions head.

            I show up in Puno to meet up with Ben, Chad, Elizabeth, get off the bus and realizing what a shit-hole the place is, I just get back on and leave. I see Lake Titicaca from the window and don’t feel like I’m missing much but Disneyland style reed islands, frustration, and Bolivia, which I want to go to but refuse to get the vaccines for.

            In Arequipa I can feel Peru coming to a close. This will be my last stop here before I enter Chile, I am excited to go again and long only for Colombia now and her. Although Arequipa reminds me of home as all deserts do. I can smell the sage, feel the cacti, rub the dirt into my pores, close my eyes and imagine the land where I was born with ease. Homesick remedies have to be creative these days.

            I go again to see the doctor here. Where he has me diagnose myself and then gives me medication according to what I think is wrong with me. He tells his assistant to have me pull my pants down and lie ass up on the table and then he comes in and asks me what the fuck I am doing with my pants off. We laugh about it and talk bout bad US movies and tattoos. As the girl at the reception begins to print me my bill he pats me on the back and says this one is on the house. Best hospital experience ever. He still doesn’t fix me. The sides of my legs feel like they have a million ants fighting and dying in them.

            Me and Ben take a taxi out so some local bullfight where two bulls are encouraged to battle each other by having their handlers grab their balls, finger their asses, and excite them in other such old school fashions. The betting system is you yell out a bet and another man takes it or raises it. The first bull to walk away looses. We end up with the old school papas who run this place and I earn their respect by picking the bulls better than they do. I try to trade my I-phone for the most amazing bolo tie I have ever seen and am laughed at, its on a golden rope with a pre-incan coin and I will find my own if it’s the death of me. Treasure has killed many men.  They take us past the gates and introduce us to the refs, the bull owners, the champions. In the middle of the winners circle in the middle of the ring we get prestige placement, hold trophies and are bought drinks.

            The fights come to an end and we hitch a ride in the dark in the back of a deep-dish truck with one of the bulls out to a bar in the barrio where we drink with the prizewinners from the night until everything and everyone feels good and celebrated. Walking back into town we stumble upon a punk rock show with only four people in attendance. Finally I can dance. We bounce the place off the walls and make the band feel like they are better than the Ramones. In the moment it’s true.

            In the morning we pack our bags for a three-day excursion to hike Colca Canyon, the deepest canyon in the world. Excitement runs. I love condors and they fly so close here. The canyon doesn’t disappoint me. The condors don’t leave me. A little oasis lies at the bottom for us to rest and make spears. The vastness of this place dwarfs even the biggest story. On the third day I hike the entirety out of  the canyon from the bottom without stopping once. I am proud of myself for this, I know my will is strong for this.

            Another 24-hour bus ride and now I am in Chile. We rent a car and Chad drives us out to one of the best observatories in South America. I can see distant nebulas that no longer exist anymore and shooting stars plainly fire blind every few minutes. I have seen some of the details of these other galaxies in my ayahuasca ceremony, and know things about their positions I didn’t recognize I knew before. I can locate the Andromeda Galaxy with a blindfold on. We keep driving another 5 hours south to the Capitol city of Santiago, a riot is taking place as we enter…police are firing water cannons and tear gas, several walls have been knocked over and most of the public building are covered in graffiti all of the statues are being held hostage. I like it here. The parks are full at night and the people seem to be constantly up to activities. I’ve been here three days all full of soap-box derbies, hells angels tattoo conventions, rude-boy festivals, car shows.  My days in South America now lie severely numbered, after the new year I will go to Amsterdam, two months after that I will be riding a motorcycle from LA to New Orleans with Josh Mills…I hope to get a return flight to Colombia though. I hope between here and there I find it. It’s almost time to put out a new record. I can feel it, but I can’t quite see it. I know it has to be good and I can’t settle. I never do but I tend to rush things. Maybe between all the 20 hour bus rides, bad Spanish, and blank stares…I have learned enough patience to make it work.

The Colombian government has a bounty out on a herd of Pablo Escobar’s escaped hippos. They don’t care what happens to them, they just want them gone. I pull my hat down a little lower and think about the possibilities.

Signing out from the thick my campaneros,

R. Vigilantics

Chapter 17: The End Of The Thick As We Know It.

As the 6 of us began our one-hour ascent to The Temple of the Moon no one spoke. A fevered storm had filled the night. It was Dios De La Muerte and lightning flashed so bright as to momentarily blind and then thunder would roll in minutes later, boom and echo for what seemed like an eternity. Little did I know I would enter there myself. 

Me, Ben, Chad, Mariana, Alej, and Julianno (our shaman), swept forward with our heads bent just above the neck, so as to stay the wind but keep the sight. We passed no other people on this path but directly below us sat the ceremonial pits and stones where the Incans would sacrifice and toss their human offerings. In front of us was where they would bury their own and worship the moon.

We were already soaked fifteen minutes in, as we slipped and wrestled with the mud and growing streams. My pants weighed heavy with water and my poncho did little to keep the feeling that this was fucking crazy off my back.

Once inside the cave we gathered stones to sit and unpacked our supplies for the night, ours consisting of blankets, water, and coca leaves. The Shamans of fur, tobacco, perfumes, tinctures, ayahuasca, rattles, and a stick. He spoke in only Spanish and maybe Quechqua, but had assured me once the medicine took hold I would need not for understanding.

The ceremony began with prayers and offerings, he put some kind of magical seal over the cave entrance to protect us, and we began in the dark with only the smoldering ash of incense burning. He shook, pounded, mixed the ayahuasca in a cup and passed it first to Ben (which worried me because I was told by a guide in the Amazon that the Shaman should always drink it first), then he refilled it and passed it to me, around the circle it went, until finally the Shaman poured for himself a large pull. Slowly and unsteadily I had drank. Fear is what I felt and that I was stupid for feeling it because maybe this was all bullshit.

For the first 20 minutes I sat with my eyes closed and could see nothing but blackness, did I have no soul, no questions? No vision at all I wondered? What could be worse? A growing sense of unease and annoyance began to grow in me, it was freezing in this cave and silent. 

Then he began to chant, I started to feel a heat first in my legs and then wherever he directed it until my whole body was warm. I started to feel very light and displaced in my seat. Slowly a serpent started to form behind him and I leaned closer to rub my eyes disbelieving and see it, not realizing that now I was way to close to him and knocking something over. The sudden clash of realities immediately made me sick and I went outside to vomit blackness upon blackness.

 Out of the cave the world looked wilted and winded and changing like it was inhaling and exhaling. Though I could tell it was raining I couldn’t tell it was different from the trees behind it. Slowly like a newborn trying to walk I made my way back into the cave and tried to find my spot amongst them again, though this time it seemed much lower down and Ben towered above me stoically  while Mariana had completely disappeared into some kind of dark recess right in front of me. The cave had quadrupled in size. 

I began to swoon and had to lay back from the Shaman as he chanted and spoke, then I realized by doing this I was moving away from the ceremony and that without it I would be truly lost, possibly forever. I was already tumbling thru geometric patterns and small Abysses. i had entered a long hallway with many keys and doors and at the end had chose to come back to my Shaman. As I leaned up to see him he turned first into a bear and then into a statue and then into all of his ancestors flickering dead on his face at once. The walls behind him continued to produce streams of serpents and bulges. 

Every question I asked of him he answered simultaneously with the twists of the words in his song and non-verbal communications. Everything he spoke of appeared, he told me to taste sweet and I did. He led me up into the sun and we peeled back layers of deep blue metallic inscriptions and crawled inside. Me and Ben began to speak telepathically. The Shaman lead us up and across the entire universe and back. I understood every word of Spanish he said without a single fault. At some point I receded into myself and deep into the past/future where alternate versions of me each came one by one and offered what gifts they had to give. The Shaman said “look how quickly we can go from one world to the other, its right here, all existing at once.” It was true in a span of less than then first hour I was watching with no doubt, one foot in front of me what was a bear with the face of a million dead leading me into the craziest most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life. He spit mouthfuls of perfume with his lips directly on our heads. Any worry I had he immediately addressed with the boom of his stick or by simply leading me across a dimension where that worry no longer was relevant. The entire time I experienced the most extreme Deja-Vu. The ceremony winded out as if from a tunnel, he slowly took form again by smoking a big jungle tobacco cigarette and letting me see the light on his face as he flickered back and forth between all the shapes and then passing me a cigarette allowed me to do the same as I went thru all of my past lives and incarnations.

He said I didn’t have to remember what had happened or what I had learned, my soul knew it now and carried it with me as it always had. I was one step closer to the beautiful flight back of true death…and when I needed more I could return to this source and drink again of the medicine until someday I could go home. He would stay with me always as my brother and from my brothers I could drink as well as they would drink from me. 

In my life I have never experienced anything like this, shape shifting, ESP, thought-control, out of body, projection, transcendence, universe, time-travel. I know that these are just the names we have to put to things when the veil becomes lifted and we see that all things are a single unit existing simultaneously, but holy fuck.

The walk back into Cusco seemed perfect with time to adjust as eventually the city lights appeared below us and fireworks lit the sky while they celebrated The Day of the Dead. We had lived it a million times. We clasped each other and parted ways upon entering the city.

That night I dreamed and left my body many times again as I slept next to a beautiful Brazilian woman who had led me here to all of this, and though after a week together the thought that she was leaving back to Brazil in the morning welled me up,  I know now that The Thick is as much about beauty and true gifts as it is about heartache and fistfights. We can use the bad in us to fight for what is true in us. I will always be a little bit of a hooligan and a roughneck but I have other masks that fit me better nowadays, I am a lover and a leader too.

Yes we climbed Wannu and Macchu Picchu, sand-boarded the immense dunes of Wachachina, Sailed out to see sea-lions fight on the Ballestas Islands with TV star captain look-alikes, we went to Catholic-Mass drunk with no sleep in the golden capital cathedrals of Lima, fell asleep on dance floors that smelled of death, we ate beef hearts and gambled in the cities with all the earthquakes. Corey was here and gone, Chad came down and imported a crazy white girl, and Ben is shacked up with Elizabeth who I love in another hotel somewhere. Me, I’m just laying here with the smell still on me waiting for the night-bus out of this city, south to Lake Titicaca, signing out from the end of The Thick as we know it. 

Chapter 16: That Indigenous Drunk

I’m sitting in a room with 6 beds and no windows, dressed in a fur coat that goes well passed my thighs. It’s been a while since I’ve been this high. My mouth is open as if to speak but I’m about to sing. There’s two Uruguayans playing ukuleles and I am telling the story of a loss of love, my melody is high and the boys begin to sing along with me, “Please stranger won’t you hold me” Over and over again goes the chorus “Whoah I’m so lonely.” Chris is beside me encouraging me to never stop. Someone has their arm around me and it feels good, like home in a world away. I may have gotten cut off for spitting on a guinea pig only a few hours before and though I’ll never know why I did it, right now I’m feeling pretty fucking good. Welcome to Lima. To the catacombs of 20,000 bones and Presidential Palaces where you come-to with a distant friend of your grandmothers at 8 in the morning. It’s one thing to know Saint Francis licked the wounds of the sick, it’s another to see it depicted in one of the most gruesome and eloquent paintings you’ve ever laid your molly-balls on. When life becomes literal it looses its possibilities. I prefer it slathered in mystery, after all a senior detective needs a job. Saint Francis take your tongue away, I am better than I used to be. Interpret me well.

For ten Soles I grab a plate of civeche and a beer, sit out overlooking the jagged ocean cliffs that wall this city in and think about a snake I saw once when I was young. I get invited to a boxing match by a ring-girl and her sister, its cold out and I know those punches sting a little worse. I’ve felt em before. The doctor says my rash and sleepless nights are due to a fungal infection. Pour some whiskey on it and take it better places to eat and it will probably go away. I raise it one and take the bus out of town.

Tuk-Tuk drivers hide behind windshields so covered in Jesus decals they need not see, only the lord to guide them as they careen down these thin-lipped streets like stray bullets and three legged dogs. Roads covered in bananas and grain. Streets with no lining tell you to follow your heart. Don’t they know I have two. Huaraz sits her ass just above 10,000 feet and I am supposed to wait a day to acclimate to the altitude. The high Andes surround me and loom down with avalanches for promises like love letters. They’ve wiped this city out before, July of 1941, May of 1970. Not a single building remains from its past. 93 survivors lived to know what it felt like as they clamored to high ground and a sea of snow and boulder crushed 70,000 of their countrymen, somewhere in the states “Let It Be” by The Beatles was playing while this was happening. That’s just life.

I don’t wait to acclimate. I get off the bus and begin to run to the outskirts of the city, I climb over the walls, scramble up the hill, pull myself over the cliff and bury my face in the cross that overlooks all the girls who sleep here and those who go hungry in the streets at night. Just watches them. If I can breathe here I can breathe anywhere in the world. That thought comforts me.

I hiked 10 kilometers that day, the next me and Ben did 14, and the third we did 18. At almost 16,000 feet I found myself looking out over the top of the world, amongst lagoons and glaciers older than all my blood, all my lines. The sun sears you here. The people speak an ancient Andean language called Kichwa, I don’t speak much at all anymore. Against the advice of a local woman we head into the ghetto to help them celebrate a local Catholic holiday. 500 of the drunkest people I have ever seen surround us, the only two white people here. We are treated with all the respect a spectacle can expect to get. Indigenous drunk is just a different kind. You can see it in the tear filled regretful eyes of men who were born to know great secrets but have been cut in half by liquor induced amnesia and the hardest times. They got the roughest hands. Somebody turns his fingers into a gun and puts it to my head telling me he has spent time in hell and that he is still there. Another cries to Ben about his dead godfather. A third kisses me on the neck. A 17 piece peruvian brass band is the soundtrack to that South American affection that reminds me of all my close friends.

This week we go ice-climbing, hiking, camping. We promise each other always to fight back to back. I’ll be on Machu Picchu for my birthday. Corey and Chad will be here. I’ll be in Argentina for Christmas and maybe London for the New Year.

 I’ve been bitten by snakes and attacked by monkeys with sticks, in my life I’ve climbed the Andes and crossed the Amazon. Put out 4 records and played shows with my favorite bands. I sang a song that made a grown man cry and rode on a boat that carried the dead. I’ve wrecked motorcycles just because I knew how much they loved me and left women for less, but never in my life have I been in a place like this, feeling this way. 

Chapter 15: Just For You

To tell you what happened means to relive it, I’m not ready to do that. It’s been too ruff. Too hard already. I can only tell you the story. It’s the only currency that matters in the end. The only one I have, but even this true gold can’t warm me or put me to sleep at night. Though it may allow me to cull those I love and do for them what it cannot do for me. A mans words can stay close even as his breath recedes. This is the only gift if it is kind and the only curse when it is honest. May god keep the company of your heart and stay in the places where I cannot. Forever, I love you.

For weeks we traveled. From desolation to isolation and back again, from nothing and nowhere, to nobody and no way. I spent three days aboard a cargo ship where the sun blistered up layers of flesh in the day and the cold wind eroded them at night. We crushed termites into our skin to repel the mosquitoes. In the jungle we fished piranhas and held crocodiles against their will. In Iquitos violence layered a thick hand against us, at war with the money-changers and men with the quickest hands I’ve ever seen. Even the banks give out counterfeit dollars here, and then refuse to take them back. Kids carry knives, Shamans die of liver failure. A rash has come to ruin my life. I came to get lost without realizing it meant stranded. I can’t go back now, but I am only just realizing what it means that I can’t go back ever.

It seems like ages since I’ve seen an English man or had some warm water pressed up against me. I miss the strong independent western woman, she’s been replaced by a million whores, not in my life but in the world that surrounds me. The tribesmen here have sex with the dolphins and say that the lust can drive them mad, but I think they were mad for lusting. People put curses on those they love to bind them to them, I am close myself. I can feel the jagged edges of where I broke hitting against the waves, all the decisions just becoming reactions against the days. This place is full of sex and bad magic. A religion that has not changed, a people covered in dust.

A spider opened up my thigh like a hot dog bun and left me unable to walk for a few days. I met a German who had amazing posture and was accusing a woman of immaculate conception, a giant cat pissed on him thru mosquito netting and for a moment I believed in karma. Where has the adventure gone? I’ve lost it. I almost lost my life too, in a war against a boat that we had to haul by hand upriver. Neck deep in mud. The fear is hard on our tails. We have traveled from country to country and now reside by large desert walls. Time moves to slow here to get away from it.

Never trust the music. Never love a man with a broken heart. Never quit eating civeche. Always hunt. Always kill. Elect poets to go to war for you. I will, if you find me such. I will come back if you ask me to. Here I am in Peru. Where are you? A world is nothing to travel compared to the places I’ve found my thoughts. I only ask that you respect what I have done, if you make me ask. That was never our style though, was it babe.

Right now a man is asking me to eat a valume. I think I will. He has a mustache that crawls blond across his face. Hair that pulls up towards the ceiling. A Peruvian woman with his baby inside her.  I don’t think he has slept in a couple days. We should just relax he says. He’s right. If only for a moment, I can take his advice.